There are three weeks remaining in the NFL regular season and just a few days left of hearing Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” everywhere you go. Here’s a holiday edition of the ATS rankings breakdown, where I’ve compared each team to which festive phenomenon they are:

They lead the league in takeaways and have shown some heart this year. They’re the Grinch.

Week 16: (-10.5) vs. Washington Football Team

You thought you were going to invade Kevin McCallister’s home and emerge victorious?

Week 16: (-7) vs. Cleveland Browns

Last Christmas, they gave away wins. This year, to save them from tears, they drafted someone special. The Patriots are George Michael.

Week 16: (-2.5) vs. Buffalo Bills

After a 1-4 start, these Nutcrackers suddenly came to life, most recently knocking off the evil Mouse King. 

Week 16: (+1) at Arizona Cardinals

They’ve done their damage away from home, heading out to the coast to sweep the NFC West and have some laughs. They’re John McClane.

Week 16: (-1) vs. Indianapolis Colts

The Bills should have won Super Bowl 25. And at least one of 26, 27, or 28. Buffalo is the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Week 16: (+2.5) at New England Patriots

They’re melting away without the magic of their lynchpin, just like Frosty the Snowman.

Week 16: (+3.5) vs. San Francisco 49ers

San Francisco traded everything to acquire Trey Lance but aren’t using him. It’s a real-life Gift of the Magi.

Week 16: (-3.5) at Tennessee Titans

Completely unpredictable, you never know which side of the box score they’re going to show up on. They’re the Elf on a Shelf.

Story continues

Week 16: (+3) vs. Los Angeles Rams

The Lions aren’t pretty to look at, but they have character, they’re warm, and they can win you money. Detroit is an ugly Christmas sweater.

Week 16: (+6) at Atlanta Falcons

You know a few people who like them, and they’re all weirdos. The Eagles are a fruitcake.

Week 16: (-10) vs. New York Giants

They’re on top of the AFC North and it doesn’t feel right, kind of like mommy kissing…



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