There are three weeks remaining in the NFL regular season and just a few days left of hearing Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” everywhere you go. Here’s a holiday edition of the ATS rankings breakdown, where I’ve compared each team to which festive phenomenon they are:
They lead the league in takeaways and have shown some heart this year. They’re the Grinch.
Week 16: (-10.5) vs. Washington Football Team
You thought you were going to invade Kevin McCallister’s home and emerge victorious?
Week 16: (-7) vs. Cleveland Browns
Last Christmas, they gave away wins. This year, to save them from tears, they drafted someone special. The Patriots are George Michael.
Week 16: (-2.5) vs. Buffalo Bills
After a 1-4 start, these Nutcrackers suddenly came to life, most recently knocking off the evil Mouse King.
Week 16: (+1) at Arizona Cardinals
They’ve done their damage away from home, heading out to the coast to sweep the NFC West and have some laughs. They’re John McClane.
Week 16: (-1) vs. Indianapolis Colts
The Bills should have won Super Bowl 25. And at least one of 26, 27, or 28. Buffalo is the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Week 16: (+2.5) at New England Patriots
They’re melting away without the magic of their lynchpin, just like Frosty the Snowman.
Week 16: (+3.5) vs. San Francisco 49ers
San Francisco traded everything to acquire Trey Lance but aren’t using him. It’s a real-life Gift of the Magi.
Week 16: (-3.5) at Tennessee Titans
Completely unpredictable, you never know which side of the box score they’re going to show up on. They’re the Elf on a Shelf.
Week 16: (+3) vs. Los Angeles Rams
The Lions aren’t pretty to look at, but they have character, they’re warm, and they can win you money. Detroit is an ugly Christmas sweater.
Week 16: (+6) at Atlanta Falcons
You know a few people who like them, and they’re all weirdos. The Eagles are a fruitcake.
Week 16: (-10) vs. New York Giants
They’re on top of the AFC North and it doesn’t feel right, kind of like mommy kissing…